Loss
by bloodfangsoflust
Summary: Draco and Harry's thoughts on the loss of each other's love.


**_Disclaimer: _**If I owned him, I would be far too busy playing around with him to write fanfictions, don't you think? No, I don't own Draco Malfoy or Harry Potter.

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Draco Malfoy fought back tears for the thousandth time that night. There was a half-empty jug of Firewhiskey on the table next to him, and two empties smashed in the empty, bare fireplace. Anger had come first, of course. But now that it had passed, he was left with nothing but despair. His dorm room was empty but for him. As Head Boy, he had the right to his own dormitory.

_Alone in this house again tonight_

It was hard to accept that not more than two days ago, Harry had left. The door had slammed in his face and on his love. The sound had echoed in the miserable cell of a room, and he had begun breaking things immediately. It was hard, so hard, to think that Harry may never come back this time.

_Got the TV on, the sound turned down, and a bottle of wine_

He took another swig of the drink, the inevitable loss and desolation settling and mixing with utter depression within his mind. It played memories of he and Harry to taunt him, and he hated that he could do nothing about it this time. Glancing up, he had to choke back the tears again. He had plastered his walls with pictures of he and Harry. Some were playful, some were sexy, some were serious, all were memories he couldn't take.

_There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me_

One picture caught his eye. He was holding Harry tenderly. They were staring in each other's eyes- silver meeting vibrant green- and you could almost see the sparks of adoration and love between them. It was too much. Draco collapsed onto his arms and sobbed- dry sobs, mind. He was still far too proud to cry, even alone.

_The way that it was and could've been surrounds me_

The things they'd done together, away from prying eyes, were too dear to let go. He remembered the first time he'd admitted to Harry he was in love with him. They were eleven at the time. Harry had publicly refused the offer of friendship. Draco had been put out, but later, when they were on their way to their dormitories, Harry had snatched him by the robes. Pulling him into a vacant bathroom, he'd pinned him and crushed the blonde against a wall. Draco, shocked but not angered at the revelation, had managed to kiss him back. Harry had pulled away after several breathless moments and whispered to him,

"I don't want to be your friend, Draco. I want to be your enemy. I want to be your lover. I want to be your everything."

_I'll never get over you walking away_

It had gone from there. They met illicitly behind everyone's backs. No one ever knew what they did behind locked doors, because they had never seen one go to the other. Harry's invisibility cloak had come in handy for that very purpose. The Marauder's Map too, when Harry obtained it. He just had luck that way. Just last week, Draco had told Harry the one thing he had never believed he would say to another. It was forbidden for a Malfoy, for a pureblood, to love. Especially to love another of the same sex. And yet, Draconis Lucious Malfoy was in love with Harry James Potter. And had told him so.

_I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show_

They had just made love again in Draco's bed. Harry was curled in Draco's arms. Draco held him close, as though afraid he would slip away. Harry's eyes were beginning to close. It had been a long day for both of them. Exams were soon, and the teachers had piled more homework on them than usual. Draco ran his fingers down Harry's face, smiling softly.

"Harry…" He whispered, "I love you." Harry's eyes shot open. There was no Malfoy mask greeting him, simply raw need and truth written on his lover's face. His arms curled around Draco's back, pulling him even closer.

"I have loved you since I first saw you, Draco." Draco's heart swelled so to hear it he was afraid he would explode. "You just never let on what you feel, you know?" They fell asleep together, tangled in each other's arms for the first time since they had begun seeing each other.

_And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control_

Draco had never lost it this badly. His eyes filled once again, and he had to take a huge gulp of the whiskey to pretend it had only been the drink, not Harry, that had made his eyes water. How could he call himself a Malfoy, a bloody Death Eater, with so little self control? He couldn't even stop wanting to cry about his lover. _This is why Malfoys don't love, you idiot! So it can't hurt them! _

_But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain_

Draco fought back the tears once more, though this was only a half-hearted attempt. He was tired of it. The alcohol had loosened his hold on his sanity, and he suddenly felt foolish for holding back the tears for so long. What good could possibly come of it?

_To Hell with this pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes_

Shaking his head, he blinked back the tears once again. Draco Malfoy would not cry, not for anything. His pride was all he had left. And then he realized. He was in love with the Boy Who Bloody Lived. He would give up everything to have his lover back. Tears finally trailed down his cheeks. Once they started, they wouldn't stop. The bottle fell from the table and smashed as Draco laid his head in his hands and began to sob for his lost lover.

_Tonight I wanna cry_

_Would it help if I turned a sad song on?_

Harry Potter sat on his bed in a thankfully empty Gryffindor boy's dormitory. Just to be safe, though, he had cast a soundproof spell on his drawn curtains. He couldn't afford to be heard. Because tonight, he had to force himself to let go. He had to force his heart to release its hold on Draco Malfoy. A small Muggle CD player sat on his bed, enspelled to work without electricity. It was playing "Yesterday" by a group called the Beatles.

_All by myself, would sure hit me hard now that you're gone_

How could it have happened like this? His one true love, cursing him and casting him out as easily as an old rag. They had fought before, but never as badly as this. This little grievance had cost him his love- and he would give anything just to go back and fix things. He couldn't stand to have his heart torn like this. Which is exactly why, no matter what it took, he was going to let go tonight.

_Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters_

Harry coerced himself to remember the first time he and Draco had made love. It had been beautiful- loss of control before they'd gotten to a private location, the feel of Draco inside of him. It was far too much to allow to just slip away. And yet, it had to b e done. He let the memory finish playing as he unfolded the letter Draco had sent him this past summer. Tears filled his eyes and he had to put it up before even finishing the first line.

_It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better_

He knew he couldn't do it. He couldn't read a bloody letter without crying! The situation was killing him slowly. How could Draco have let go so easily? How? He picked up the CD player and threw it against a wall, anger burning through him. He was in love with the bloody Malfoy, and he had left Harry behind like a bad dream. Well, by God, that wouldn't fly!

_But I'll never get over you by hiding this way_

Renewing the soundproof charm just to be safe, Harry released a howl of fury that drained into sorrow, then longing, then just raw pain. He had hidden from the world how he felt. He had hidden from Draco the depth of his feelings. The fight replayed in his mind.

"**_Draco, you can't Being a Death Eater is one thing, but betraying your Master- Voldemort would kill you!"_**

"_**You think I'm afraid?" Draco screamed, "You think I want this? You think I want to have to choose? But I want you, Harry! I don't want to embrace the Dark Lord's curse! I don't! But I don't have a bloody choice!"**_

"_**Fight your father." Harry said calmly.**_

"_**You don't know what you're saying. Are you delusional? What would I tell him? 'Yeah, Dad, I've been fucking Harry Potter, so I don't want your life.' Yeah, that'd go over well."**_

"_**You're ashamed of me then?"**_

"_**I just don't think now is the right time to reveal us." **_

"_**And when will be, Draco?" There was a long pause.**_

"**_There wouldn't be." Harry nodded curtly._**

"_**As you wish, then." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door to hide the tears flowing down his cheeks.**_

_Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show_

A fresh onset of tears won over, and Harry began to cry silently once again. He had nothing now, and he knew it. No lover, no confidant he could talk to, no pride. There was nothing left for him. That thought began to slowly destroy everything he was. Harry lost himself when he lost Draco.

_And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control_

Harry's tears came faster, creating dark pools on the red velvet comforter. He bit his lip to choke back a sob. Was there nothing left for him? He didn't believe so. He had become an empty shell. All that he had now was his sorrow, his loss, his pain. Though sharp emotions, though they cut deeper than any knife edge, they were all he had. Drunk on memory, he watched in his mind's eye as he and Draco kissed tenderly over and over again.

_But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain_

Harry had never had much pride to begin with, but what little he did have slipped away from his grasp. He felt his body disappear as his mind teetered on the edge of insanity. Pain whirled around inside of him, discovering every nerve ending.

_To Hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes_

The tears became sobs, muffled in his pillow. Cries of loss, of pain, of heartache escaped him- but only he could hear them. The only one who mattered would never know how much he loved him, how much it hurt to walk out that day. How could he have just left? It hurt so bad.

_Tonight I wanna cry_

_Well, I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show_

Draco made himself look up at the pictures of him and Harry on the walls. They smiled back. His eyes were drawn to their tender embrace. The tears came faster. He'd never get the chance to apologize; never get the chance to make it right. No matter how he loved Harry Potter, it didn't matter anymore.

_And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control_

Harry no longer tried to stop. His heart still beat, though it was broken. How, he wondered detachedly. How does a heart still beat when it's shattered? He didn't care. He couldn't hold on to any thought save Draco anyway. So he let himself cause more pain to his already hurt heart.

"Draco…" he whispered.

_But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain_

Draco stood and walked to the picture. He stared at it through a haze of tears. The picture wavered as more tears fell down his face. He reached up and touched the picture, trailing his fingers over Harry's face.

"Harry…"

_To Hell with this pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes_

Harry reached into his bedside drawer and drew out a picture of himself and Draco. They were both lost in the thrill of kissing each other. The looks on their faces suggested ecstasy, and something much deeper. He touched Draco's hair in the picture, as though he could feel it again through the glass.

"Does it have to be the end?"

"I can't let it be good-bye," Draco kissed the glass over Harry's face.

_Tonight I wanna cry_


End file.
